There is a buzzing…

What is this buzzing?

I have a wonderful job, I live in a place where many dream to live, I travel to a new place every month.

I live a comfortable independent life, I laugh a lot, I eat out, I post beautiful pictures on my Instagram, every time you see me I’m with my friends and enjoying myself, I feel immensely grateful for it all and many people feel envy. 

But what they don’t see is the moments I spend awake in the wee hours of the morning or the times I can not fall asleep until those same wee hours of the morning because my mind won’t stop buzzing. When I am asleep and I turn to the side expecting my sister or my mom to be sleeping next to me and then not finding anyone fall in the cycle of the same buzzing again. When I try to enroll myself in a number of random classes or make plans with friends every weekend just because the buzzing doesn’t stop when I’m alone. It just doesn’t STOP!

No this is not depression. I love my life I am so grateful for each and every thing I have been blessed with. I have dreams and ambitions and I work hard to achieve my goals as best as I can. I wake up everyday to make today the best I can, to work hard, to do all the things I have planned to, to work on myself, be a better version of myself. And most days I am doing nothing wrong yet I beat myself up about the smallest of things I fail to do. Most days I might not be moving towards the goals I have but I’m also not going back or failing in any way. I am doing good with what I have and yet the constant buzzing just doesn’t stop.

No this is not being negative. Anyone who really knows me would know how much i emphasize on positive attitude, I motivate and encourage all my friends that they’re awesome I’m the #1 cheerleader you can have. But when it comes to myself , I hear no cheering inside my head, all there is is a constant buzzing.

No this is not loneliness either. Because I love me some alone time. I’m not such a social person, I’m not exactly an extrovert or a ‘partying’ kindof person , but I have a lottt of friends and I love them with all my heart and would spend any waking minute with them. I love to laugh with them at silly things, I love to share my thoughts my feelings my life with them and listen to all of their thoughts, we respect each other , we love each other like family. But meeting new people, being in a social setting .. not me, I would rather stay at home. Meeting new people again gives me the buzzing.

I have a word for this buzzing, paranoia. It’s paranoia that something will go wrong and I’ll cease to be happy, I’ll stop having the things I have or lose they people I have. I am paranoid that if I stay independent for some more time, i will continue to miss out on family time, and I am paranoid that if I move to be closer to my family I will lose my independence. I am paranoid about every thing all the time so much so that it’s taking over my fun moments my happy moments. With the constant worry that something will go wrong.

Life is never as colorful as seen from the outside, on social media.

Now it all might seem a type of ‘first-world-problem’ of a privileged person. Maybe it is… but it is very real to me and I need peace , in my head. I want this buzzing this anxiety to go away. I don’t want to always distract myself to not start crying.

I have shared it with friends, and those who care about me are concerned they want to help me however they can. Many of them don’t understand it as many of you won’t either. They feel what could I be possibly upset about. And many with whom I’ve shared, who are around me and I feel comforted by their presence, have made it a reason. An excuse. They freak out, they think I’m crazy, they think I’m negative They have the perfect reason to cut me off. And then I blame myself for it. Which makes me more paranoid with the next new person I meet. And it becomes a cycle and the buzzing just doesn’t STOP.

So that’s all there is. I’m human like every one of you. I have my demons like every one of you. I have struggled through before and come out stronger. I have the belief I will overcome this as well. And I’m doing my best… spending time with family, friends, good positive entertainment, reading, working hard. The only thing I need to learn is to calm my mind down. But every time I’m alone and try to do that the anxiety gets worse. So 💁🏻 nothing more to say today.

P.S. I have never been more scared in my life to hit ‘Publish’. Stay with me *virtual hugs*

One thought on “There is a buzzing…

  1. P, I love you so much and I know what you’re feeling but as someone who’s known you for a whileee (I’ve lost count of the years) I also know that you are immeasurably strong. The kind of things you have survived and the hard work you’ve put into your life really astounds and inspires me. It’s not uncommon to feel anxious or paranoid about your life but what I know is that you have so much inner strength that slowly and with time this feeling is settle down ❤ but until then you know you have me to come rant to or vent to and I’ll always be here to listen. I love you so much. 2002-infinity 😍

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